Shakespearean Light Bulb Jokes (Guest Post)

Bardfilm and Shakespeare Geek have put their heads together and taken the rare step of combining Shakespeare and the genre of Light Bulb Jokes, with the following results:

How many Henry VIs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to do it in three parts.

How many Prosperos does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? He has Caliban take care of all that kind of thing.

How many Brutuses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs the help of 23 conspirators to do it.

How many Ophelias does it take to change a light bulb?
STOP! You wouldn’t let someone that wet near electricity, would you?

How many Macbeths does it take to change a light bulb?
I wouldn’t know. Every time he sees a working light bulb, he yells, “Out, out, brief candle!” and smashes it to bits.

How many Othellos does it take to change a light bulb?
Two—after he puts out the light, he puts out the light!

No, really. How many Othellos does it take to change a light bulb?
Wait a minute—this bulb has been changed a thousand times in secret! O that I had nothing known!

How many Lears does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb needs to convince him that it LOVES to be changed.

How many Calibans does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first you have to teach him language and then you have to endure his cursing.

How many Pericleses does it take to change a light bulb?
I don’t know—I’m not familiar with that play.

How many Sebastians does it take to change a light bulb in Olivia’s bedroom?
Viola. And Orsino pounding on the door to let him in.

How many Lavinias does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, that’s really tasteless. And so is that “tasteless” comment. Eww.

How many Earls of Oxford does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, come ON! Don’t EVEN get me STARTED!Ok, how many Shakespeares does it take to change a light bulb?
THERE’S NO MENTION OF ANY LIGHTBULBS IN THE WILL! ONLY A MEMBER OF THE ARISTOCRACY WOULD HAVE OWNED—Sorry about that, folks. I have no idea how he snuck in. Carry on.How many Claudiuses does it take to change a light bulb?
He won’t change them—he just keeps yelling, “Give me some light! Away!”

How many Hamlets does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes him a really long time to make up his mind, and he only eventually changes it after Claudius pushes his mom down the cellar stairs.

Or, how many members of the Danish Royal Court does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They all kill each other and then Horatio changes it while drawing his breath in pain.

How many Muses of Fire does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it will also ascend the brightest heaven of invention if you ask it nicely.

How many Angelos does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but first he’ll deny it—and then he’ll discover he changed the OTHER bulb!

How many Claudios does it take to change a lightbulb?
Trick question, the lightbulb didn’t really blow out—Don John just loosened it because he is so very evil.

How many Benedicks does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but you have to convince him that the light bulb wants to be changed. And then you have to convince the light bulb that it wants to be changed by Benedick.

How many Rude Mechanicals does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, you figure you need somebody to hold the ladder, somebody to get up and change the actual bulb, somebody downstairs at the fusebox, somebody to run to the store to get bulbs in the first place…. So, one. Nick Bottom. He’ll play all the roles.

How many Gentlemen of Verona does it take to change a light bulb?
Same as the number of Noble Kinsmen it takes!

How many Noble Kinsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.

I don’t get it.
And if we made a really obscure Two Noble Kinsmen reference nobody would have gotten that, either. 😉

How many sonnets does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred and fifty or thereabouts, although a whole bunch in the middle apparently suggest that they prefer the dark. And 400 years of debate over which light bulb it was in the first place.

Our thanks for the idea behind this guest post to kj, the author of Bardfilm. Bardfilm is a blog that comments on films, plays, and other matters related to Shakespeare.

~ 11 Comments

I Prithee LOLeth! Shakespearean Internet Initialisms (Guest Post)

Internet Initialisms—LOL for “Laughing Out Loud” or BRB for “Be Right Back,” for example—have been around for a very long time. But Shakespeare has been around even longer. Bardfilm has come up with a number of Shakespearean Internet Initialisms. Use them to raise the tone of your texts, IMs, and Twitter conversations.

Shakespearean Internet Initialisms

SWL = [O, I am] Stabb’d with laughter (cf. modern LOL).

YHPP = Your humble patience pray (cf. modern BRB).

ITGASOMO = In the gross and scope of my opinion (cf. modern IMHO).

IJTO = I jest to Oberon (cf. modern JK).

OMUTB = Once more unto the breech (cf. modern BTW).

IYTUDWNL = If you tickle us, do we not laugh? (cf. modern ROTFL)

IFINTFYOL = I find it not fit for your o’er-looking (cf. modern NSFW).

HHHH = Howl, howl, howl, howl (cf. modern DYJHIW).

IHDASTS = I have drunk and seen the spider (cf. modern BTDT).

TORNAE = These our revels now are ended (cf. modern TTYL).

TITL = This is too long (cf. modern TL/DR).

Our thanks for this guest post to kj, the author of Bardfilm. Bardfilm is a blog that comments on films, plays, and other matters related to Shakespeare.

~ 10 Comments

Top Twenty Shakespearean Faux Pas (Guest Post by Bardfilm)

The author of Bardfilm thought it would be fun to compose a guest post here at Shakespeare Geek. And I thought it would be fun to let him! Here we are, then:

Bardfilm’s list of the Top Twenty Shakespearean Faux Pas:

  1. Inviting Lady Macbeth to a dinner party and constantly telling her where she can wash up.
  2. Inviting Macbeth to a dinner party and constantly saying, “What a great Banquo!” instead of “What a great Banquet.”
  3. Asking Henry V “Whatever happened to Richard II? We hardly ever see him around anymore!”
  4. Telling Rosalind she looks just like a boy actor playing a girl pretending to be a boy acting like a girl.
  5. Asking the two noble kinsmen which one is the noblest.
  6. Casually mentioning to Macduff that your wife and children weren’t butchered by a desperate megalomaniac.
  7. Inviting Claudius to see Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap with you.
  8. Trying to compliment Hamlet by referring to him as “The Great Dane.” He hates that.
  9. Shouting “No! It’s your imagination!” whenever Macbeth starts on that “Is this a dagger?” nonsense.
  10. Answering all of Hamlet’s rhetorical questions in a sarcastic tone of voice (viz. “What’s Hecuba to him? He dated Hecuba in high school!”).
  11. Standing in the way of Richard III’s ascent to the throne.
  12. Offering Othello a handkerchief after he sneezes. It’s kind of like offering Lady Macbeth a moist towelette.
  13. Singing the Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand” when Lavinia (from Titus Andronicus) is in the room.
  14. Slipping a fake spider into the martini glass of Leontes (from The Winter’s Tale).
  15. Referring to Gertrude as “Hamlet’s father’s brother’s wife.”
  16. Requesting the pianist at a bar to play “We Don’t Need Another Hero” when Claudio is right there.
  17. Showing up at a social occasion wearing the same cloth-of-gold of tissue dress as Cleopatra.
  18. Serving Caesar a salad . . . over and over again . . . every single time he comes to your place.
  19. Proposing marriage to Isabella—even though you know she’s almost finished taking her vows to be a nun.
  20. Asking King Lear about his 401(k).

Our thanks to kj, the author of Bardfilm. Bardfilm is a blog that comments on films, plays, and other matters related to Shakespeare in a relatively-informal manner.

~ 3 Comments